Fellow Nigerians, it is with great pleasure that I announce my ambition to contest for the office of the President of the Federal Republic of Nigeria come 2015 elections.
As a young man who has been frustrated by the unavailability of jobs in the labour market, I have now considered my prospects in the highly profitable industry of Nigerian Politics.
Let me take you through some of the things I plan to do if I become President in 2015.
For this particular menace I may not have to do anything. I am of the opinion that the current administration will somehow get to overwhelm boko haram by intensifying its military offensive against the terrorists before the elections. Very much like our local home video stories in which good always overcomes evil. Shekau has used two lives already, and I can’t say how many he has left. But I have a hunch he’ll use them up before the elections.
However if after I become President, they are still very much around I shall employ a cheap trick I learnt from my godfather, I Dey Kampe. There won’t be any need to invite Jack Baeur over. I will simply fire my Vice President and replace him with a man from Borno State. You will recall how activists against oil spillage in the Niger Delta suddenly lost their voices as soon as my godfather picked Jonah to be running mate in 2007. Now that Jonah is the ‘oga’ at the top, there is no mention of oil spillage in the region though the land is being polluted to this day.
Well, I’ve heard rumors that even fishes in the creeks registered and voted during the 2011 elections. Let me not continue further so as not to offend the electorate in that region. I may need their votes.
Most people will stop complaining about corruption when they get their own share of the money. How many persons would even care about how much money I steal if I provide them with 12 hours of electric power daily? More especially if I am able to convince everyone that I am God sent, and so I should not be held accountable to the citizenry.
I shall revive the Eagle Commission to live up to its vision of convicting greedy citizens – people who want to chop alone and not share the money. Corruption isn’t really the issue, greed is. Its okay to steal money provided you are a cheerful giver. I promise to stick to the ‘chop and share’ formula so that we will not have to fight on the pages of newspaper over chicken change of $20b.
First let me commend Nigerians for their patience, not that there is much anyone can do about the situation besides sharing videos online and making branded T-shirts. As President I shall do something about this unofficial office as this is a serious issue. You can imagine that Shekau has refused to release the abducted Chibok girls since he watched the popular ‘diaris God’ video. Thank goodness there has been no comment on the issue of the Ebola outbreak, who knows, maybe the grammatical force would have caused the virus to mutate to a more deadly strain and the outbreak out of control.
I will get married as soon as I become President. I shall marry the winner of the MBGN Pageant 2015 and change wives annually as new winners emerge. Also, each winner must have a Masters in English Language, a Diploma in Public Speaking will be an advantage. I may also consider Unilag ‘babes’ who possess shoprite’s stock of american accent if proof of purchase is presented.
If I happen to like any other woman and deem her fit to be first lady, I’ll go ahead and tell her. Please I did not mention Jonah and Zeenee.
I want to express my deepest condolence to families that have lost loved ones to heart attack due to the shocking performance of the so called super eagles. Its not fair that men who claim to be under 23s, play like senior citizens and thus raise the incidence of cardiac arrest in the country. As President I shall ban the super eagles for good and the super falcons shall represent our country in all football events both male and female categories. But I must warn you to watch the matches with a Cardiologist to your left and a Psychologist to your right, because what men can do women can do better.
However I shall retain the NFF as a body. I believe there a few things I may learn from their highly proficient mismanagement skills. Since I’ll be dealing with politicians who are also veteran mis-mangers in their own rights, I may need to master the art.
As President I will not try to solve problems by strategy, I shall resort to fasting, prayers and seed sowing. I shall fast to the point that when I make a public appearance, my audience will wonder what exactly I do with the N1 billion for food in the presidential villa. As for seed sowing, I will not give that which costs me nothing. I shall start by sowing a private jet as seed faith.
Nigerians are very religious. But I have a hunch that this religiousity will fade if they had their problems solved. You and i know we practice a problem based religious ideology. I promise not to do so much to reform the economy so that you will not stop believing for your daily bread. May my presidency not bring an end to your faith.
You might be wondering why I’ve been mute about Power, Education, Health, Transport Infrastructure, Agriculture and others. Well, you already provide your own power with your generator, you pay the fees of your children who attend private schools, when you’re sick you go to a private hospital. In fact you are a government all by your self. Why would you still want me to provide the same services you already provide efficiently for yourself?
I know you are not happy and may choose not to vote for me in the coming election, but be rest assured that I am not bothered. There are a whole lot of people who will vote for me, at least I have shoes.
Members of my church, people in my community, my relations in the village. People who won’t consider asking simple questions such as ‘is clickpresh really qualified? Is he the right man for the job? The young men who are too preoccupied with EPL and chasing girls with low self esteem to notice the free fall of the economy. The young women who are okay with ‘looking good and being chased after’ to be concerned about the break down of law and order in the society
However, if I get a good job between now and the time of the election, I shall abruptly withdraw my candidacy.
God Bless Nigeria
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